Women's All-Around Final Running Diary

One of my favorite gimmicks in sports writing is the running diary, where you essentially write down real-time thoughts while watching a sporting event. It was started by Bill Simmons, my all-time favorite sportswriter, and can serve as a time capsule for great sporting events. Now, I consider myself to be an expert in football, baseball, and basketball, so with the NBA draft, MLB trade deadline, and football training camp right around the corner, I’m writing my first running diary on the Women’s All-Around Gymnastics Final. While I could have waited to watch the primetime broadcast, I have a thing about needing to watch sports events live. For whatever reason I’m not able to deal with reading a result on my phone- so while the rest of the world was sleeping my stupid self woke up at 6:45 AM to keep a running diary while I watched the final on Peacock. Did I spend the rest of the day tired as I waited for the NBA Draft? Yes. Did I regret it? No. With Suni Lee attempting to take the mantle as the next great American gymnast, it felt like a possible seismic event- and boy was I right. So without further ado, here is a beginner’s description of the Women’s All-Around Final.

6:50 AM: And we are live! We’re joined by- well no one because it’s 6:50 AM and I’m an idiot.

6:54 AM: Is there any sport with harder warm-ups than gymnastics? Typically, warming up consists of doing normal tasks that anyone can do in order to get ready. If I were to join an NBA shootaround or throw a bullpen after an MLB pitcher I would look silly, but I would be able to participate in the activity. Olympic Gymnasts are basically the only people in the world who can complete their warm-up.

6:55 AM: Our announcers are former Olympian and World Champion Bridget Sloan, and some guy named John. Apparently, these are the backup announcers since we’re watching this on Peacock.

6:58: Suni Lee absolutely nails her first vault. If you’re asking what her score will be, I’m not the person. But it SEEMED good.

7:00 AM: 14.600! That’s good, right? Right?

7:04 AM: The Brazilian who we are now all rooting against (Rebecca Andrade) scores a 15.300 on vault. Apparently, this is her best event, so who knows how big her lead actually is. Seriously, I think I understand the general strategy/components of gymnastics, but the scoring makes as much sense to me as Angel Hernandez’s strike zone.

7:06 AM: Jade Carey comes out firing with a 15.200. Does this mean she’s a real contender? Kornacki told me last night that vault was her best and that she struggles on beam, so we’ll see. Either way, it would be pretty fun if she went from being out of the competition to actually medaling.

7:09 AM: Me: Oh my God, that was an incredible thing that this ungodly human just did.

Announcers: OH MY GOD, HER FOOT MOVED BACK THAT IS A DISGRACE.

7:12 AM: Does anyone else find it odd that potentially distracting music coming from the floor is playing while others are on the beam? Why is it that golf and tennis require absolute silence for concentration, but it’s completely normal for loud music to play as someone is desperately trying to avoid breaking their neck on a four-inch wooden structure?

7:18 AM: We need a stat for "score over expectation." Give us the score of an average gymnast performing someone's routine, and then tell us how their actual score compares, sort of like a Gymnastics version of CPOE. I know they show us the red, yellow, green stuff, but we typically know the general range of how well they did before the score comes in. Wouldn’t an actual number make the hardest part of gymnastics to figure out, the scoring, a little easier to decipher?

7:21 AM: So apparently there’s this thing called an inquiry that’s basically like a challenge, but you’re only allowed to challenge the difficulty, not the execution. How does this make sense? Isn’t the difficulty set beforehand? Why can’t you ask the judges if they made a mistake judging an incredibly complex set of moves in real-time? Seriously, figuring out the way scoring works in gymnastics should be its own Olympic sport.

7:29 AM: So they just told us that the Americans both scored better than they did on vault in qualifying. That would seem like relevant information to tell us I don’t know, like twenty minutes ago when they got their scores?

7:31 AM: The announcers talk about the importance of having a short memory, causing Ted Lasso to erupt into hysterics.

7:34 AM: Very few things in sports immediately garner a more universal gasp than someone falling off the balance beam. On the scale of things that cause the announcers to react like a kid who can't swim is alone in the deep end, falling off the beam is up there with a dirty hit in football, a knee going the wrong way, and Giannis taking a three.

7:35 AM: We are now joined by my father, who came downstairs to watch with his son for whom sports are more important than sleep.

7:36 AM: Andrade scores a 14.666 on bars, significantly better than in qualifiers. I need Kornacki to tell me where the Americans can make up these points.

7:39 AM: 13.500 for Jade Carey on bars. Where that was over a point worse than Andrade, I don’t know. Can I launch an inquiry?

7:43 AM: An Italian gymnast falls off the beam just as “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran gets to the chorus on the floor. Coincidence? I think not.

7:48 AM: Random Thought: Wouldn’t the gymnastics viewing experience be enhanced by like 20% if they had someone announce the scores rather than just posting them? It would certainly increase the suspense- imagine Ryan Seacrest going “And the winner, of the women’s All-Around final, is… going to be revealed after the break.”

7:51 AM: The announcers are telling me that Suni Lee recovered from a disaster that was not apparent to the naked eye on her bar routine. She scores a 15.300, putting her right back in the game.

7:56 AM: Apparently one of the announcers is named Roethlisberger. That makes me like him about 20% less.

8:01 AM: The American Ninja Warrior guy just called Suni Lee’s dismount a “twirly whirly” in the between-apparatus studio break. I called it the "flippy-spinny thing," so I can't necessarily make fun of him.

8:02 AM: Rothlisberger just said, “the night doesn’t start until you go on the beam.” Seems about as stupid as when they say “the series doesn’t start until the home team loses.” I'm no gymnastics expert, but as far as I can tell, the completion of two rotations is an indication that the night has indeed started.

8:04 AM: Giannis just shot a three, a.k.a. Jade Carey fell off the beam. Probably takes her off the podium. As a side note, the overall quality of the gymnastics seems to be lower this year compared to past Olympics. In fact, Russia won the Gold in the team competition despite scoring fewer points than the last-place finisher in the team finals in Rio, and 15 fewer than the US. Maybe it’s just because I’m used to the perfect games that the US pitched in the last two games, but it didn’t seem like a Gold Medal performance from the Russians considering they had two people fall off the beam. Are we allowed to put an asterisk next to it? Asterisisking Russian Gold Medals is honestly one of my favorite Olympics pastimes.

8:07 AM: After Jade Carey fell off the beam, Bridget Sloan suggested that the beam is tilted. I need someone to tell me whether this is an actual reference to a thing that happens or just a joke.

8:13 AM: A Russian just stumbled on beam. Beam is a highly dangerous apparatus so I'm not going to say I enjoyed it, but let’s just say there are few things more red-blooded American about me than blindly rooting against Russians in the Olympics.

8:17 AM: These above angles of the beam are terrifying. It basically makes them look on the verge of catastrophic injury at all moments (which they basically are). It’s impossible to overstate how hard this sport is.

8:22 AM: Suni Lee fucking nails her beam routine. Cold-blooded shit. Let’s go.

8:23 AM: OH MY GOD THEY JUST SHOWED A SIDE ANGLE OF HER TURN AND THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLE SAVE. MARIANO RIVERA SHIT!

8:25 AM: 13.833? What the fuck? I hate these judges. REFS YOU SUCK! REFS YOU SUCK REFS YOU SUCK!

8:29 AM: 13.566 For Andrade! Not sure where she lost over 2 points but I’ll take it! Suni's in first going into Floor with about 0.2 separating first and third. This is real drama. As awesome as the American domination has been, it’s fun to have a real nail-biter.

8:34 AM: This moment seems way too big for Peacock backup announcer Roethlisberger guy. Can we quickly get Al Michael on the call?

8:37 AM: They show Suni Lee smiling and waving to her teammates in the stands as she makes her way to the final routine. How these people stay calm is beyond me. I would look like Luca Brazzi meeting Don Corleone at Connie's wedding.

8:43 AM: The third-place Russian does a pretty good but not incredibly difficult floor routine, but to be honest I spent much of the time focusing on her music- an awesome classical arrangement of “Paint it Black.”

8:49 AM: The fourth-place Russian clinches a medal with a 13.966 on Floor. Now time for Suni.

8:51 AM: Great routine. I was way more nervous than she looked. Absolutely steps up in the clutch. Gets her highest score on Floor by 0.3 Andrade steps up needing better than 13.801 to win Gold. You could cut the tension with a knife.

8:55 AM: Andrade summons her inner Karl Malone and goes out of bounds twice! An all-time choke! If she wins gold after this I don’t know what I’m going to do.

8:57 AM: Nerves

8:57 AM: My god the tension is real.

8:58 AM: (Incoming Caps) 13.666! SUNI’S GOT IT! SHE FUCKING DID IT! OUR STREAK IS NOW AT FIVE! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

8:59 AM: Man, I love the Olympics. Really an incredible accomplishment from Suni considering everything she's been through.

9:01 AM: Andrade put in an inquiry and her score gets raised, but not enough to win. It’s over.

9:02 AM: So happy for literally everyone involved except for USA Gymnastics.

9:03 AM: Our Medal stand: Angelica Melnikova (Russia) Bronze, Rebecca Andrade (Brazil) Silver, Suni Lee! (USA) Gold.

9:04 AM: Awesome shot of Laurie Hernandez reacting in the studio. I really should go back to bed, but sports make me really excited.

9:05 AM: Number one trending topic on Twitter is “SHE DID IT.” Serious Mood. Suni Lee should immediately join the "athletes with a 100% approval rating" club.

9:08 AM: Can’t wait to see the feed of her family reacting tonight on the main broadcast (particularly her dad).

9:09 AM: Awesome shot of Suni waving to Simone Biles. Really incredible of Biles to show up after everything she’s been through. I really can’t put into words how incredible and strong she is. Anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.

9:13 AM: Unbelievable performance by Suni Lee to gut it out. Not dominant in the form of a Simone Biles or Gabby Douglas, but an incredibly clutch performance. She showed the heart of a champion and deserves everything that’s about to come her way.

9:21 AM: Medal. Anthem. Chills

9:22 AM: And that’ll wrap up our first running diary. Time to get some sleep before work and the draft.